GRENDEL AND ME (01/08)

Frustration

I was talking to Grendel the other day, which I might add was difficult as my objective was negotiating, and cats will have none of it. I wanted some rear window time to shoot pics of tweety birds, and squirrels on the rear deck, a place where he feels compelled to monitor at Homeland Security Level Orange. I had burned a lot of genius cells contriving a way to get the critters close enough for some portrait shots, but I hadn’t factored in 11 pounds of territorial pussy cat.

Here’s the plan.

My rear lower deck looks like the Rockefeller Center skating pond at Christmas just under the bird feeders hung from the upper deck. All manner of cute critters frequent the spot, some of which I would like to photograph. It would be simple enough to shoot through the thermo pane slider but that would add four surfaces of non photographic glass distortion and I have decided to be finicky on this project reflecting a desire to see what my overpriced lenses are really capable of.

Brilliant solution #1. Leave the slider open 6” and shoot through the opening.

Problem #1: Lying down and getting up from a prone position is difficult and painful.

Problem #2: While I’m in the prone position Grendel runs up my back, over my head, and over the camera and becomes a fugitive (our condo law) while frightening all the critters away.

Problem #3: The 6” opening in the slider becomes a turbo vortex and freezes the room in about 30 seconds.

Brilliant solution #2. Draw the vertical blinds and stick the lens through them.

Problem #1: Lying down and getting up from a prone position is difficult and painful.

Problem #2: While I’m in the prone position Grendel runs up my back, over my head, and over the camera and becomes a fugitive (our condo law) while frightening all the critters away.

Problem #3: The turbo vortex blows the fabric slats about frenetically, thus flailing me about the head and shoulders.

Brilliant solution # 3. To abandon the deck shots and shoot right at the bird feeder and block Grendel from another prison break, which I accomplished by getting a 6’ 1X6 #2 pine plank (hereafter known as the board) to block the space between the slider and the door frame. Combined with the partially drawn blinds things would be perfect.

Problem #1: Grendel protests being cut out of his view by parading back and forth between the blinds and the slider thus disturbing the critters.

` Problem #2: The shaky Rube Goldberg contraption I assembled to get me and the camera and the tripod high enough to clear the plank provoked Gail into warning me that she would rather kill me herself than have me break my neck in such a ridiculous contraption.

Brilliant Solution # 4. Propping my 1X6 board up with tome on ancient religions and returning to the prone position. The opening is too small for Grendel to bolt through, bur big enough for my lens to protrude.

Problem #1: For some reason the lower deck critters have gone directly to the bird feeder now and I can’t raise my lens to that angle.

Problem #2: By the time I remove the tome. Lower the board and poke the lens through the upper opening the critters are full and have gone and will not return until their afternoon feeding.

Some shots just aren’t worth it. Taking pictures underwater, following a rare critter, going for the perfect shot, can take our minds off the real objective of underwater activities: staying alive. I never thought it would happen to me, but once, diving the Blue Hole in Belize, I chased my viewfinder down to almost 150 feet, and thought my gages were whacko until I noticed everyone was way above me. I immediately reverted back to a diver, a frightened one at that, and started ascending slowly. On that dive I had a small pony, so I was able to do my safety stops and get back safely on my original tank with out too much concern. But, wouldn’t you know, those whacko gages registered 0 lbs. of air when I got back to the boat. Imagine that!